How Trust Evolves—and Reveals Who Your True Friends Are

If there’s one lesson I wish I had learned early in life, it’s how to understand and build trust. It’s something I now intentionally teach my children. I grew up being someone who trusted too easily—especially those I shared similarities with, like relatives or people I met in church. The more alike we seemed, the quicker I let them into my heart. But this kind of trust, freely given without discernment, has often led to deep hurt—because I failed to examine their character first.

Dealing with betrayal, especially from those you once called “close friends,” hasn’t been easy for me. For a long time, I didn’t have the tools to process it in a healthy way. But one powerful concept that has helped me heal came from former monk and inspirational speaker Jay Shetty. He shared a framework with four levels of trust, and I believe this should be taught to every child at a young age. You can watch his full video here: https://youtu.be/yxOIyR0QsiM?si=4-mqiv6f19gfAtAe

Before we dive into the levels, let’s define trust:

"Trust is the quiet confidence you place in someone or something—believing they will do what is right, keep their promises, and care for your well-being, even when you are most vulnerable."

Here are the four levels of trust and what they’ve taught me:

1. Neutral Trust – This is the starting point. It means being kind but cautious. When we meet someone new, we don’t immediately hand them our heart. We treat them with respect, but we guard our vulnerability. This keeps us safe from being deceived or manipulated. In this stage, we rely on our instinct and observe behavior before we open up.

2. Contractual (Transactional) Trust – This level is built on balanced exchange. Like Newton’s law, for every action, there’s an equal reaction. If someone gives 10%, you give 10%. Nothing more, nothing less. This helps maintain boundaries. I’ve learned this the hard way—giving too much to people I barely knew simply because we shared similar beliefs or experiences. That’s when expectations begin to hurt.

3. Reciprocal Trust – Here, trust begins to deepen. You’re willing to give more because the relationship has shown signs of reliability. You extend patience, allow space for mistakes, and even take on risks together. In my life, this is how I view colleagues I deeply rely on—people who’ve proven they can be counted on during critical moments. They’ve earned it.

4. Pure Trust—This is the highest, most sacred form of trust. It’s unconditional and rooted in love. These are the people who stand with you through your darkest hours, who celebrate your wins and sit quietly beside you in sorrow. These are the souls you’d give everything for—and you know they’d do the same.

Learning this framework helped me reflect on why betrayal hurt so deeply—because I often gave pure trust to those who only saw me through a transactional lens. I shared sacred parts of my life, thinking the connection was mutual, only to find that my vulnerability was misunderstood, misused, or dismissed.

One of the most painful betrayals came after I gave birth to my son. My husband was persecuted in a place we deeply trusted. In my most fragile season, I opened up to people I thought would protect me—only to later find them comfortably associating with those who hurt us. I didn’t expect them to hate anyone, but I hoped they’d show sensitivity. Instead, they became instruments of deeper pain.

What I’ve learned is this: not everyone seeks connection the way you do. Some people listen not to understand but to gather information. Some smile to your face but never earn the right to hear your truth.

And yet, despite all this, I’m still grateful. Because even after walking away from certain places, people, and seasons of my life, I found those who are worthy of my purest trust. They’re the ones who never left, who comforted me, believed in me, and continue to walk beside me.

Trust is not something to give freely. It must be built, nurtured, and earned over time. And when you find those rare souls who truly deserve it, hold them close. Because friendship, at its truest form, is one of life’s greatest treasures.

To those who stayed—your love and presence are everything. You’ve helped me heal, and through you, I see the beauty of trust restored.